


i wanna live fast and never look back

by fleetingly



Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Dom/sub Undertones, Gen, Introspection, M/M, Tampa Bay Lightning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-08
Updated: 2017-07-08
Packaged: 2018-11-21 12:59:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,774
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11358006
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fleetingly/pseuds/fleetingly
Summary: Jo didn’t think he was making a bad decision going out tonight. Sure, the giggly, laughing, rude undergrads in Ybor weren’t like, his first choice. But one had studied abroad in Montreal and spoke the worst French he’d heard, but it was still some French, and they'd smiled at him and he knew what those meant. Jo’d been following those sharp smiles since Juniors, so he went.





	i wanna live fast and never look back

**Author's Note:**

  * For [TylerAndAlexAndCeddyOhMy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TylerAndAlexAndCeddyOhMy/gifts).



> be good, jo.

Jo didn’t think he was making a bad decision going out tonight. Sure, the giggly, laughing, rude undergrads in Ybor weren’t like, his first choice. But one had studied abroad in Montreal and spoke the worst French he’d heard, but it was still some French, and they’d smiled at him and he knew what those meant. Jo’d been following those sharp smiles since Juniors, so he went.

Practice was...whatever. Coop had just looked with those inscrutable eyes every time Jo made a pass, missed a shot, made a pretty move, skated hard, fell over--all of it. For months Coop had just been looking and giving no indication of whether Jo was on track. Off track. Anything. Well, he’d say “Good job, Jo,” but he never says why. It’s… frustrating to say the least. 

He’d turned to Brayden, but Brayden’s all big eyes exhausted next to Val, and Jo didn’t feel like dealing with Pally’s inevitable entourage. Everyone else was in states of cool-downs, conversations, and undress. Eh, he’d rather be alone anyway. 

Jo’s walked halfway down the hall when someone taps him on the arm. 

“Walk you out?” Heddy asked.

“Uh, sure.” 

They’d walked in silence to their cars when Heddy said, “You going out tonight?”

It had been so long since they spoke, Jo hadn’t thought to lie. “In Ybor, yeah.” 

“Okay,” Heddy opened his trunk to put his gear bag away and said, “Be good, Jo.” 

Jo watched him get in his car and drive away before moving towards his own car parked a few spaces down. Jo didn’t slam his door closed, but it was a near thing. 

Be good? Yeah, okay. Sure.

\-------

Jo hadn’t thought he was making a bad decision going out tonight, however, Jo has to revise his opinion on his decision when he leans in to chase a kiss from one of the giggling undergrads and he sees Heddy out of the corner of his eye.

What the fuck?

“What the fuck?” the undergrad says when it became clear Jo isn’t chasing any longer. Jo doesn’t care, because his hulking alternate of a defenseman is heading directly towards him. 

“How about you go with me, huh, Jo?” Heddy says, pleasant. 

Jo smirks. “No.”

Heddy cocks his head to the side and says, “I would really appreciate it if you left with me right now.”

“Drew, who is this?” one of the undergrads says, slinging her hand around Jo’s waist. 

“A friend,” Jo says. “But, I’m good here, thanks for the offer. I’m not going home yet.”

“I didn’t say I was taking you home.” Heddy takes one of his hands out of his pants pocket and fiddles with his phone a moment before showing it to Jo. Jo squints and recognizes an active phone call with “Stammer.”

Jo holds the phone to his ear and holds himself stiffly away from the undergrad around his waist. He vaguely hears her say, “Are you fucking kidding me?” before she moves away from his side. 

This does not bode well. Jo is beginning to wake up from his fog and this does not bode well. “Hello?” Jo asks. 

“Hey, Jo, I know this is a little strange, but I wanted to talk to you.”

“…Okay…”

“But it’s a little loud where you are. Can you come and talk to me at my house? Victor can take you.”

Jo looks at Heddy. “Okay.”

“See you soon, Jo,” and Steven hangs up. 

Jo holds the phone in his hand for a moment before giving it back to Heddy. He glances around but it appears that in a few scant seconds, Jo’s new friends have disappeared. 

In a startling moment of clarity, Jo regrets leaving his apartment. He regrets the drinks he had before the club. He regrets zooming in on the beautifully dressed group in the corner and letting them get close. He regrets everything about this very moment. This is not what wants to be doing, this is not who he wants to be. This is not good. 

“Hey,” Heddy says, right next to Jo. “Let’s go, yeah?”

Jo finishes the glass in his hand and follows Heddy out to the valet stand. Neither of them speaks while they wait for the car to be brought around. Heddy fiddles with his phone for a few minutes before starting the car.

“Do you have water?” Jo asks softly. Heddy opens the center console and hands two Zephyrhills bottles. Jo murmurs his thanks as Heddy drives away out of Ybor. 

“I might get sick in your car,” Jo threatens, clutching his water bottle. Heddy hmm’s and keeps going down Morgan Street. Amalie’s lightning bolts loom in front and Jo closes his eyes. 

“You know, I’m an adult. I can make my own decisions without being pulled over by you two.”

Heddy shrugs. “Sure.”

Jo knows he sounds snotty. He doesn’t want to sound snotty, but Heddy is so calm and unfazed. If Jo wasn’t absolutely certain he’d have to clean it up, he’s tempted to throw up a little all over Heddy’s shiny click seats. 

“They liked me, you know.” 

“They called you ‘Drew.’ They didn’t even know your name.” 

Jo fumes. He finishes the first bottle of water and crumples the plastic loudly over the low radio. Heddy doesn’t even flinch when Jo just tosses it in his backseat. 

“We were having fun,” Jo says viciously, “I’m not sure if you’ve ever had any.

For the first time, Heddy appears tense. “If you were having so much fun, why did you not tell them your name and why did you come with when I asked?”

Jo opens his mouth to answer, but no words come out. 

Heddy drives down Bayshore and Jo doesn’t speak. “You should drink more water,” Heddy says. 

\-------

“You know why I called you over, Jo?”

“Look, you don’t want to hear it and I don’t want to tell you, and I’m just--I’m done. I don’t like feeling ignored, I don’t like being summoned as if I did something wrong. I just want to, to, be! I just want to be good and have that recognized. 

“What, you like being called a good boy?”

Jo tenses. “Fuck you, I’m not a dog. I’m not gonna bark just cause you tell me to.”

“Oh, Jo, I think you’ll roll over and beg if I tell you to.” Steven says, the confidence clear in his voice down to Jo’s bones. Jo can’t look at Steven’s face any longer, so he looks down at the ground.

“Look at me,” Steven says.

Jo stares at his shoes, his hands in his sweatshirt pocket, nearly vibrating from keeping himself so still. 

“Jo,” Steven says, sharply. Jo looks up, unable to resist. 

Steven smirks. “Good boy.” 

Jo flushes and feels his inside clench. It’s not--it’s not unpleasant. He doesn’t want to make anyone mad, especially not his captain. Stammer is--well, Steven is not someone Jo wants to disappoint. But it’s difficult to separate the thoughts in his head and from what he knows he should do and what he-what he thinks he wants. Jo doesn’t want to be like this, to be contrary. To be needy. 

Jo keeps eye contact with Steven for as long as he can, maybe a minute, maybe two, but then he just can’t any longer. He doesn’t want to look away and make Steven mad, but he just can’t look at Steven any longer. So, he closes his eyes. 

The image behind Jo’s eyes doesn’t get any better. Now he can just imagine in glaring surround sound and image the utter shit show he must look like. Heddy had pulled him out of the club before he could get drunk, and the water he’d pressed into Jo’s hands over the uber ride to Steven’s was fortuitous, but Jo was still a sweaty trashy mess. Steven was sitting in some work out gear, just as likely to have been enjoying a quiet evening with a book as he was to have been asleep. Steven looks soft, and clean, and so warm. Jo shouldn’t even be here. 

“Why’d you make that face?” Steven asks. 

Jo doesn’t open his eyes. “I shouldn’t even be here,” he whispers. 

“Oh? Where should you be--back at the club?” Steven doesn’t sound mad, but he’s not sounding particularly interested in whatever Jo has to say. That kind of distance is infuriating.

Jo opens his eyes and looks at Steven again. For somebody who’s been through so much, and gives so much of himself, Steven sure can be inscrutable. “No, no--I definitely don’t want to be there.”

“Heddy said you were making friends there.” 

Jo couldn’t help the grimace at the way Steven said ‘friends’.

“Not your friends? Heddy said you were...cozy.” 

Oh. Now Jo is remembering earlier in the night, what it must have been like from Heddy’s perspective. In the moment, Jo knows that he wanted Heddy to, to, to want him, and to feel bad about it. To feel like a baby sitter and feel bad about it. 

God, Jo feels like a fucking idiot. 

“I didn’t--I didn’t really know them. They just let me follow along, really.”

Steven leans back in his armchair and flicks his eyes over Jo from head to toe. “I’m sure they would, if you asked nicely.”

Jo doesn’t know how it’s possible to keep blushing this much. 

“I just wanted to be somewhere else, out of my head, and they seemed…”

“Shallow?” 

“...harmless.” Jo sits up straight. “How do you-?”

“Heddy told me,” Steven says. 

Jo bristles. “What was he doing, stalking me? What's he, like, your guard dog?”

“We’re not talking about Victor right now, we’re talking about you.” Steven tsks. “You know, you keep bringing this back to dogs, Jo, and I'm not sure you even realize what you're doing.”

Jo opens his mouth but Steven holds up his hand in warning. “I’m trying to have a conversation with you, Jo, and you keep interrupting me or not answering my questions. That’s not very nice of you.”

Jo slouches again, and he must be bright red from shame, he can feel the heat on his cheeks. He lowers his eyes and Steven snaps his fingers. 

“I didn’t say you could look away, Jo,” Steven says softly. 

Jo can honestly say he’s never seen his captain look like this before. Steven is riveting. Meeting those steely eyes now, Jo doesn’t think he could look away even if he wanted. Steven had looked relaxed, lounging in his armchair as if he had all the time in the world to be up at 3am calling his teammate on the carpet for partying irresponsibly. But now, Jo can see that Steven’s tired, and his legs are spread in such a way that Jo knows his knee is bothering him. Steven should be asleep, or resting, or… anything other than talking with Jo. 

As if there was any way for Jo to feel worse, realizing how much of a burden he was in this moment to the one person he never wanted to disappoint was just too much. The tension in his shoulders cuts away as if snipped by scissors. Jo doesn’t break eye contact with Steven, he can’t, not now. 

Jo can’t tell in the light, but it looks like Steven might be smiling, just a little. “You have to remember to be careful, you know. Kids down here are just looking for a fun night--they're not gonna take care of you.” 

Jo doesn’t know if he’s supposed to respond, so he doesn’t.

“You can make your own decisions, but they don’t always affect just you, and I guess what I’m trying to tell you, Jo, is that you can always ask me. I’m here, you know, and may have more in common with you than you think.” 

Jo says nothing.

Steven says, “Heddy and me, we’re gonna keep an eye out, okay? You wanna sleep here tonight, start fresh in the morning?” 

Jo can listen between the lines, okay. He can take a hint. “I would never do anything to fuck up the team, I promise,” Jo says quietly. 

Steven stands up, stiffly. “Yeah, Jo, I know.” 

\-------

Jo sits still for a few minutes before following Steven to the stairs. Steven is just getting up the last ones when Jo gets to the foot. 

“Oh, let me—oh,” he says. Heddy is at the top of the stairs, clearly waiting for Steven to get up them. “Never mind, Heddy’s there.”

Heddy has been here at every moment tonight in ways that Jo wouldn’t even be able to count. But from what he said earlier in the car, to being next to Steven, that’s what Heddy does, who he is. He’s here in all the ways that matter and more. 

Jo knows he shouldn’t watch, if only because his captain is walking up the steps stiffly and he should offer some dignity to a man who continues to offer so much of himself at every opportunity. But Jo keeps looking as Steven makes it up the last step with a final wince and grimace to take Heddy’s hand and walk into his bedroom. 

Well, if Jo is being honest, he should at least admit that if not formally, it’s their bedroom. There’s no doubt about where Heddy goes. Jo wants that. Maybe with Nate, or so he thought for all those years. Maybe with Steven, though it’s so hard to think about all that attention focused on him, there’s no doubt that Steven knows how to direct. 

Jo walks up the steps. “Fuck,” Jo says softly. He was doing so well with Steven there at the end, of just not thinking, but he’s getting stuck again. 

“Jo?” Steven says. He’s standing in the doorway backlit by a soft glow. 

Jo grimaces. “Sorry, it was nothing. Do you have sleep pants I can borrow?” 

Heddy steps around Steven to hand a bundle to Jo. “Pants and a shirt.” 

“Thank you,” Jo says softly. 

He walks to the first door on the left—one of Steven’s guest rooms. Jo’s never slept over here, but he’s been in the room before when he was at the house for team things. He changes in the bathroom and avoids looking in the mirror. 

Jo steps back into the guest room and sees Heddy fiddling with the drapes at the window. This is the first time he’s been around Heddy since sitting in the car with him for an hour.

“What, are you going to tuck me in? Watch me as I sleep so I don’t post any more pictures?”

Heddy grins. “No, keep taking pictures. You like people to look at you, I think.”

Jo can’t help it, he flings his arm over his face because it is on *fire.* Heddy laughs, and he tucks the sheet in around Jo’s arms and sides. Jo has felt all kinds tonight, from the squirmy to the hot to things he’s going to need to reexamine when he’s not in his captain’s house, but Heddy tucking Jo in is almost the last he can take. Jo can tell he’s breathing heavy, because his side keeps brushing against Heddy’s hands. God. Get it together. 

Jo moves his arm off his face. “Why did you come get me tonight?” Jo asks quietly.

Heddy doesn’t answer immediately and Jo gets worried that he shouldn’t have asked anything. “When I showed Steven your snap, he asked me what you were like at practice today. I said you were—“

“Fucked up?” Jo offers not completely self-deprecatingly. 

“No, I didn’t say that. I said you were, uh, overstretched? Stretched too thin? Something like that.”

“Oh.”

“So, when we didn’t see anyone we recognized in the pictures, Steven got a little concerned. He feels like he’s been absent and that you think he’s forgotten you, but he’d taken a pill and didn’t need to driving late at night, so he asked me to go get you.” 

Jo hears Heddy say ‘you think he’s forgotten you,’ but he honestly doesn’t think he can unpack that without sleeping first. Breakfast in the morning should be interesting. But there is one part—“He just, asked? And you went? Like that?”

Heddy looks directly at Jo with years of memories in his eyes. “Yes, just like that.”

“Oh,” Jo breathes. 

Heddy pats Jo on the chest in some bastard approximation of a parent and bedmate at the same time, and then he gets up. At the doorway he says, “Be good, Jo.”

Jo falls asleep thinking about Steven and Heddy.

**Author's Note:**

> note: no effort was made to be accurate to the current personal lives of drouin, hedman, or stamkos, nor get accurate to where they live. the only thing i wanted to write was jo being needy, and stammer and heddy wanted to be there for him. 
> 
> the bulk of this was written Pre-Trade and i was a bit gazeboed when trying to finish this up, so my sincerest apologies if it's a bit... odd. this takes place on some strange night in february/march, but is not really based around any specific game in the 2016-2017 season in any way. i pulled from your request of stammer being a guiding hand for jo because yes. maybe i'll actually write The Fun Stuff in the future, but for now, liam_payner, i hope this will satisfy in some small way. :)
> 
> title from mama (feat. william singe) by jonas blue because it was on repeat on editing day.


End file.
